Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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