I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
