you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
