Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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