Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
