I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
