I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
