you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
