i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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