Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
