I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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