"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
