I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
