I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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