What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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