My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
