I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
