I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm at about main and main street
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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