omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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