your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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