Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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