So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
