God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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