omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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