i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
