we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
