Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
