after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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