i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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