im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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