The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
