I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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