I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize