If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
