I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
