My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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