I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
