Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
