I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
