We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need to calm my uterus...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
