question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
