Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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