Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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