pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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