I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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