i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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