I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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