Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
