If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
