boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
