It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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