NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
