last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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