Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
