Sry I called you an 8
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
